So, it’s been 3 months since my last blog post. A lot has happened in that time since the end of school. The post-grad identity struggle has been a daily ache, and my motivation to put in serious time to practice music has disappeared with the last homework assignments of college. I feel as though I’ve hit a plateau and that I’m not finding the same joy in music that I have the past several years. Perhaps the 4 years of music conservatory stress has finally chipped off part of my soul, OR (hopefully) I just need some time to adjust to this new life chapter. Either way, I feel a lack of purpose and have been wondering if music is really the answer to filling this career sized void. I’ve been constantly asking myself “what is going to make me happy”? or, “how am I going to make money”? and so far, no one has yelled answers at me or shoved money in my pocket, so…it’s been slow.
I absolutely love music and I think my knee jerk attitude while writing for this blog is to talk about only the GOOD things and what I’m happy doing, and hide any uncertainties I have about a music career. But to skip over my insecurities would be to cheat my inner writer, and deceive anyone reading this.
What has happened is not the loss of love for music. The problem is twofold. Firstly, graduation has been a wake-up call to my weakness’s as a musician. To seriously consider eventually sustaining myself through music I must seek constant improvement, and give daily attention to these musical areas that I chronically avoid. My strengths have gotten me through college and given me praise from listeners, and supporters of my music. But I believe that my weakness’s will squish like a bug in the “real world”.
The other part of this feeling, is wondering that even if I can find my way out of this artistic plateau, do I really WANT the career path of a songwriter/musician? I have other interests as well such as traveling and blogging, perhaps I could pursue these interests full time….
However, what I see now is that I don’t have the means to figure out any of these questions as of yet. I need to stop TRYING to figure it out and just do the work. I’ll write and practice music because that’s how I’ll discover if this is how I want to live. By putting in the work (that I may not want to do right now), I hope to come closer to finding answers.
Aside from these feelings of unease, a lot of other things have been going on. I traveled to Mexico City, and Puebla with my girlfriend Yajayra, went to my cousin’s wedding in Cancun with my family, and moved in to my grandmother’s beautiful house in Saratoga, NY.
Mayan Ruins of Tulum
Current Home in Saratoga, NY
I’ve seen two of my favorite artists in concert; John Mayer with the Grateful Dead and Co. and Jacob Collier. Both shows just a short bike ride from the house. I also spent a couple of weeks in the Adirondacks with friends and family at a cabin on Paradox Lake, and have been rehearsing and playing local gigs with my duo partner, Mason.
Mason on the Adirondack Cruise Ship
Although I feel stagnant right now, I’m a different person than I was in 2016, and I’m still growing. To recap, it’s been one year since I left to travel Japan, I’ve fallen in love for the first time and graduated college. Looking forward, some of my goals this summer are continuing my daily meditation practice, improving my Spanish, and learning to dance bachata, salsa and merengue with Yajayra.
I’m back on the writing kick, and I’ll be posting about my travels from earlier this summer, and whatever else I find myself doing in the meantime. I’m sure there are many of you who are in a similar space, either in college or post grad, so feel free to reach out and tell me what you’re going through, I’d love to hear your stories.
Good luck to us all,